


wasn't made to fall in love

by spookysp_ace (summermoonsdawn)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Author has some regrets, Cheating, Friends With Benefits, HaikyuuAngstWeek2020, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Oh!!, Rated for NSFW mention, Sakusa has a dog? does that help?, but here we are :D, engaged Akaashi :"), i'm so sorry sakusa, i'm sorry i wish my first sakuaka fic wasn't angst, lyrics from the same song, title from "wasn't made to fall in love"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27422248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summermoonsdawn/pseuds/spookysp_ace
Summary: || HaikyuuAngstWeek2020 || day 5 || prompt: realizations-It started with a quick fuck after work.Somewhere along the line it was no longer a hurried blow job under the other’s desk, or a makeout session in the elevator when the doors shut. Somewhere along the line someone said“Meet me at my place.”
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	wasn't made to fall in love

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry. please mind the tag for cheating.
> 
> please listen to [i wasn't made to fall in love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wQf13tIOro) by Miko
> 
> <3 blame Faith. this could have had hopes for a happier ending.

_ Long ago, I built a wall _

_ A wall so big that I feel small _

* * *

It started with a quick fuck after work.

Sakusa tries to blame it on the fact that they were both horny, both worked in the same place—and that Akaashi was incredibly fucking attractive. And, despite the fact that Akaashi was relatively quiet during the day—mostly at work, besides a quip at other departments, and heady remarks in his own department—knew how to work his mouth over Sakusa’s dick like no one else.

Read: he  _ tries  _ to blame it on that. 

Somewhere along the line it was no longer a hurried blow job under the other’s desk, or a makeout session in the elevator when the doors shut. Somewhere along the line someone said  _ “Meet me at my place.” _

Then it was a fuck—or two, or three—or fucking  _ four _ that one night they’d both had a terrible day at work, and Akaashi had first, pushed Sakusa up against the wall of his apartment and slid his tongue across Sakusa’s lips and it was  _ delicious.  _ More delicious when they’d made it to the bed and Sakusa got to fuck him twice, and then Sakusa got to ride Akaashi, in a thigh aching pace, in the early hours of the morning. Luckily they didn’t have work the next day.

So it was a quick fuck. Then several at their homes with the other leaving before the night had too much time to say hello. Then they were staying over. Long nights warning each other’s bed, leaving the next morning at varying times to arrive at the office separately. Hopefully, so no one would suspect a thing.

(When it started, months ago, neither of them were dating anyone—and never claimed they were dating each other. No strings attached and all of that. It was easy.)

Maybe they had breakfast with each other now. 

Maybe Akaashi sometimes took Sakusa’s dog, Miyu, out in the morning for a walk, and maybe Miyu’s large ears perked up every time Akaashi came home with Sakusa. The large tosa inu had at first been wary of Akaashi but had warmed up more to the curly haired man than she did to most people who Sakusa had brought to his apartment. 

_ Like me,  _ Sakusa had once thought.

Maybe now the fucks weren’t always quick, but a slow up and down of both their bodies moving in gentle synchronization. Maybe now Sakusa left kisses on Akaashi’s cheeks and Akaashi’s lips trailed over Sakusa’s back.

_ One, two, three,  _ Akaashi would continue with kisses, counting the freckles over Sakusa’s shoulders.

_ One, two, three,  _ Sakusa counted the steps Akaashi made from his bed to his front door every time he left.

Maybe now, when Sakusa left Akaashi’s apartment, long fingers drifted over Sakusa’s ears as they deftly slipped the elastic of his face mask around pale cartilage. The other’s tongue mirrored the drift of his fingers as it slid over his lips in slight concentration. He’d let his nails–trimmed, always so trimmed and taken care of–flutter over the ends of Sakusa’s hair. He’d lead in and press a kiss on his now masked face before letting Sakusa leave as he finished getting ready for work.

“Have you seen my ring?” Akaashi asks, now, flitting around Sakusa’s apartment. Akaashi had just finished turning on the rice maker–like he had more than a hundred times before. Miyu is trailing after him like she’s lost without him.

Sakusa refuses to think about how that relates to him too much. About the gnawing monster sitting in his chest made of green, green, green–a jealous green. 

He watches Akaashi toe the hardwood floor of his apartment. Watches his smooth legs, bare up to his briefs, disappear into Sakusa’s bedroom–really it should be their bedroom now with how much of Akaashi’s things had been left from work or overnight stays. 

“The bathroom,” Sakusa calls, turning back to the kitchen counter, continuing with his prep of miso shiru. “On the counter, in the ring dish–I think,” he added to at least  _ pretend  _ like he didn’t know where the engagement ring was at all moments in time. 

The  _ click-clack  _ of Miyu’s nails on the floor told Sakusa that Akaashi had come back into the room.

“Thanks,” Akaashi whispered on his neck, before arms slipped around his torso. Note: Akaashi’s fingers were still bare of the ring. Noted, also: the sleeves of his shirt were distinctly  _ longer  _ and not from one of Akaashi’s own shirts.

Sakusa knew he’d end up rolling up the sleeves, four-ish times on each arm. That wouldn’t account for the fact that the shoulders of the top would drip off of Akaashi’s shoulders like the  _ Venus Genetrix.  _

Someone at work would undoubtedly look over Akaashi’s appearance and  _ wonder  _ like they’d wondered before, but still not say a word. They’d once again shake their head and go back to doing their work.

_ He _ would notice, if he came in today. He’d notice something.

“No ring?” Sakusa couldn’t help but ask. Hoping the  _ hope  _ remained neutral in his throat. 

“I’ll put it on when I get to the station.”

Sakusa took a deep breath. He relished in the warmth of Akaashi’s fingers making their way up Sakusa’s chest.

Routine–this had become routine. Months of routine.  _ Months  _ of routine.

“He’s not stupid,” Sakusa sighed. The face of a businessman came to mind. Silver watch donned on his wrist, smirk, messy hair, suits that only their own company’s business partners wore. Red tie loose.

His soft smile at Akaashi, behind flowers and a  _ “These are for you.” _

The hands on Sakusa’s torso stopped. Akaashi’s lips pressed into his back, then whispered, “I know.”

Akaashi’s hands gripped at the bare skin of Sakusa’s chest, before pulling away––pulling the warmth away with him.

When Akaashi said he was seeing someone–going on dates with him, spending less and less time over at Sakusa’s–Sakusa hadn’t said anything. He had no qualms. How could he? 

That was  _ before. _

_ Before what? _ he begged his thoughts.

There was nothing that would stop Akaashi. Or the gold band they’d been putting in the dish in his bathroom.

Miyu nudged Sakusa’s leg. She peered up with large brown eyes, wrinkled muzzle hanging down her neck. Her eyes begged something of him, and for not the first time, he wished he could read her mind, hear her speak. 

_ Tell me what to do,  _ he insisted. 

(To himself? Maybe.)

“Stay for breakfast?” Sakusa asked Akaashi, looking away from his pleading dog.

“Kiyoomi.”

Sakusa jolted at the drag of vowels in his name coming from Akaashi’s mouth. He halted his movement, once again turning to Akaashi.

The other had his glasses on, perched on the swoop of his nose, on it’s gentle curve–

A curve that had been nuzzling in Sakusa’s neck just thirty minutes earlier as they woke up.

A curve that nuzzled the nose of  _ him  _ when he came into the office. Saccharine, citrus sweet smiles on both of their faces. 

Akaashi’s eyes wandered over Sakusa’s face and he–

He felt exposed.

Liquid emerald glazed over him, making a cast and mold of him to be thrown into a kiln for firing. His look was a torn crack in the finish of his garnish. 

Instead of saying anything, Akaashi pushes into Sakusa’s space, and pulls his face down to his own. Akaashi’s lips on his own are a mixed taste of the vanilla chapstick he wears. A bottle of that same chapstick sits by his bathroom sink, next to the extra toothbrush.

His lips are  _ soft  _ and pressing into him with a gentleness that Sakusa  _ wanted.  _ Wanted for himself.  _ Craved  _ in a way that the dictionary definition for “desire” couldn’t express. 

Before Sakusa could give into the kiss, Akaashi had pulled away, thin layer of saliva on his lips. 

“The rice is ready,” Akaashi said, dipping his nose towards the cooker behind him. 

He stayed for breakfast.

He stayed for breakfast because that’s what they’d been doing for months now.

The routine, remember?

The, “it started with a quick fuck,” remember?

So he stayed for breakfast, like he had several days before. And the few days before that. Except this time, Akaashi’s legs didn’t cross over Sakusa’s under the table. The nails of his left hand tapped on the table while he pushed rice around with the chopsticks of his other.

This time, Akaashi walked to the door after eating– _ one, two, three  _ carefully counted steps. He pulled his coat on, Miyu patiently at his side like they were about to go for a walk. 

This time, Akaashi leaned down and gave Miyu a gentle pat on the head, wearing a harrowed smile.

_ Don’t go,  _ Sakusa wanted to say.  _ Let’s call into work, let’s stay in bed all day, I should have asked sooner–let  _ me  _ be the one to buy you flowers– _

_ What?  _ Sakusa’s brain halted, stumbled in its tracks. He blinked, biting his lip, wishing he had his mask on to  _ hide,  _ to cover him and let him retreat from those thoughts.

Akaashi stood up from petting Miyu, whose tail was thumping heavy on the floor with a happy  _ whack whack. _

His dog looked over, eyes pleading again.

_ What do you want me to say?  _ Sakusa bellowed to the void of the universe in his mind.  _ I can’t  _ do  _ anything. _

Akaashi looks up to Sakusa, up to where he’s come in front of Akaashi. He looks like he has something he wants to say–and for someone who is harder to read than himself–whatever it was happened to be right on his sleeve.

He opened his mouth and–

Nothing came out. 

He lifted himself to Sakusa, instead, and pressed his lips–a finish, a finale, like a  _ goodbye,  _ why did this fucking feel like  _ goodbye. _

A tingle fell straight down Sakusa’s spine, to shake the existence beating under the concave of his chest. 

Akaashi pulls away but–

He grabs Akaashi’s hand, dragging him back in. The kiss he gives Akaashi is  _ long  _ and winds between the two of them like their intertwined bodies in bed. The shorter gives back as much as Sakusa gives in, falls,  _ falls. _

Sakusa cups the man's face, with his fingers, shaking–why are they shaking?–scraping through Akaashi’s hair. Locks fall in waves through his knuckles.

(Just like his voice is biting on those knuckles, he can’t speak, he can’t say  _ anything. _ )

Hands delicate from Sakusa’s own lotion stutter up his chest, up his torso, up to his collarbones until they are under Sakusa’s neck. They hold his chin, framed like a cast iron arm stand for rings and necklaces. 

Those hands pull away, and the person with them. They grab keys, and Akaashi is gone–the door silent as it closes.

_ Come back,  _ he wants to say.

Instead, he’s stuck like Miyu watching Akaashi leave.

_ I think I love you,  _ he realizes.

* * *

  
_Oh, I'm afraid to lose control_

_But I don't want that anymore_

**Author's Note:**

> scream at me? here's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/spacedaichi)
> 
> keep an eye out for happier sakuaka. and atsudai. i swear, i swear.


End file.
